We are once again well overdue on a Holwerda family update. A lot has transpired since our last post in June. Let’s see if I can remember it all…

At the end of July we took a vacation to a family camp in Wisconsin. This was a big deal because we haven’t done a trip in awhile and it was a more ambitious attempt at trying to do something “normal”. Brad was feeling really good before this trip. However, on day three Brad ended up having a seizure outside at the archery area.

We we’re thankful that we had other friends and family along on this vacation which was incredibly helpful, especially for the kids. If I’m being honest, this trip was very stressful for me and I was ready to come home. But, in our kids eyes, they had a blast! They got to do some pretty fun things like archery, tie dyeing, basket weaving, kayaking, swimming, camp games, and playing with friends and cousins. I’m thankful for the great memories the girls created on this trip.

Upon arriving home, Brad had another small seizure which led us to get another MRI.
We unfortunately learned that the tumor has come back, and spread some. We met with Brad’s neuro oncologist and a surgeon. (Brad’s previous surgeon has since left that hospital.) We liked this new surgeon, he was very easy to talk to and gave us plenty of his time.

They informed us that surgery could be an option. “Complex, but do-able” is what we were told. This would involve removing part of Brad’s frontal lobe to apparently help with seizure control, and debulking as much tumor as possible, around 50 percent. Consequences would be increased short term memory loss, increased vision loss, cognitive decline, less mobility on his right side, and putting Brad’s body through a third brain surgery.

As we were trying to navigate through continuing life and making tough decisions, Brad had another seizure in the parking lot at our kid’s volleyball game. I had to call an ambulance and he spent a few days in the hospital. This, unfortunately, happened over Grace’s birthday. Brad has been in the hospital 3 out of the last 4 birthdays for Grace. My grandfather also passed away during this time and we couldn’t attend the wake or funeral. Sometimes you just feel kicked when you’re down.

Interestingly though, while at our local hospital, we learned that the surgeon who did Brad’s last two surgeries had transferred there. So we met with him, caught him up on the last two years, and he reviewed Brad’s latest MRI. He had a different opinion, and didn’t think surgery was the best option.

So we’ve been left to digest all of this information and make a decision on how to proceed.
We are getting tired of picking the best of bad options…
There’s risk no matter what we do.
There’s risk no matter what we don’t do.

About half way through the school year last year, we both felt the pull back to homeschooling. Part of me thought this idea was nuts, another part of me was excited. God made it clear that homeschooling was what we needed to do this year. We got excited! We have been given the unique opportunity to do this as a family and co-teach. We had big plans of adventuring more, and taking advantage of all the things homeschooling has to offer.

Well, when we found out Brad’s tumor has returned, and seizures seem to be triggered by overstimulation (usually out and about places)…all those plans have crumbled.

Back in 2019 when we homeschooled, a few weeks in Brad was diagnosed and shortly after all-things-Covid happened. This time was supposed to be different, but we seem to be stuck on this hamster wheel that just keeps going round and round. We’ve had to say ‘no’ to a lot of things we were planning on saying ‘yes’ to. Our dreams of homeschool redemeption have not turned out to be so.

At times I get bitter and angry.
I’ve said “why” a lot.
I’ve cried a lot.
But even with our circumstance, we’ve had many great homeschooling days. We’ve been able to slow down, spend time together, and have the flexible schedule we need. We joined an amazing co-op this year that has been so gracious to us as we {once again} walk in messy. The girls joined a homeschool volleyball team and have been enjoying making new friends and learning new skills.

One of my biggest prayers has always been protection over the girls and that our circumstance doesn’t take too much away from their childhood. God has been gracious to us in that regard.

However, trying to navigate your life stopping while the world keeps moving is difficult. (Especially when you are going on four years.)

While we have been riding this never-ending rollercoaster, we keep hearing
“Be still”
“The Lord is gracious to those who wait”
“Wait, and stand firm”
When the knee-jerk reaction to the news we recieved is typically to go DO something, the Lord is asking us to Be Still.

Taking that seriously, and weighing the risks of surgery, we decided to not go through with the surgery. We felt the risk outweighed the reward. We will once again take a step forward in faith that the Lord’s plan is better than our own.

Where does that leave us right now? Well, Brad and I are hunkering down at home more. Brad’s brain just doesn’t seem to handle car rides and over stimulating environments well. And if I’m being completely honest, social things don’t seem very appealing to me right now anyway. So, maybe being still is exactly what we need. When it comes to treatment options for Brad, we are still currently working on that.

The girls have been hitching rides to their activities and are still moving forward in their lives. We are once again grateful for that!

Whenever a new wave hits us, we are often asked by our amazing community…
“What can I do to help?”

I don’t really have a great answer. I’m sorry. I know people love to do tanglibe things when loved ones are in crisis. I don’t know if my brain is too overwhelmed to think up great ways you can help or what…but my response is always pray for us.

-Pray that we have the strength and endurance to continue on
-Pray that the Lord makes it clear what our next steps are
-Pray for continued protection over the girls
-Pray for no more seizures and strength to return to Brad’s body
-Pray that stress is released easily
-Pray for a hedge of protection over our family as the enemy continues to try and wreak havoc
-Pray that disgruntled emotions don’t settle in our hearts
-Pray for supernatural healing in Brad’s body
-Pray for joy despite our cirumstance
-Pray that we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus as the world can get loud
-Pray that our testimony will be used to further God’s kingdom

If you really want to help us, please pray. Maybe set aside a few minutes a day to pray on our behalf. If I’m being vulnerable, sometimes I’m too weak to pray. It would be very comforting to know that others are lifting us up and praying on our behalf. We serve a mighty God who hears even the quietest prayer.

“In order to grow in grace, we must spend a great deal of time in quiet solitude. Contact with others in society is not what causes the soul to grow most vigorously. In fact, one quiet hour of prayer will often yield greater results than many days spent in the company of others. It is in the desert that the dew is freshest and the air is the most pure.” -Andrew Bonar

Being strong, courageous, and still,
Lindsey {and Brad}