It has been about three months since Brad went to be home with the Lord.
I don’t even have the right words to express how the last three months…and really…the last five years have been. In the past I have described our journey as a rollercoaster, and that description is still ringing true.

I learned pretty quick that music has been helpful for me to feel all the feelings, deal with the thoughts in my head, and process emotions. Prayer and scripture I know SHOULD be my go-to’s but I was finding it hard to do that shortly after Brad’s passing. I was in such a state of fight or flight and my brain was just stuck in survival mode. I would read scripture and felt nothing…couldn’t even comprehend the words. My prayers felt empty and I had no words to say, so I trusted the Holy Spirit groaned on my behalf. I had more questions than answers, and two sets of little girl eyes watching me, quietly trying to figure out if we were all going to be okay.

The Lord’s nature is good, and He met me where I was. A soundtrack to our life started emerging and the words that I couldn’t come up with, came to me through song. Buckle up, grab a tissue, and come along for the ride.

We hit a lot of “firsts” right off the bat.

My birthday fell between Brad’s passing and his funeral service. The reality of being “alone” makes me feel extremely vulnerable and exposed. There is a level of loneliness that is just unexplainable because no other relationship can fill that void the way a spouse does. I’m still struggling with that, and think I will for a long time. However, the Lord has reminded me that I’m not alone and He is right beside me.

Father’s day was right around the corner and I learned pretty quick social media wasn’t my friend. Every advertisement was pushing Father’s Day gifts, and seeing everybody’s posts just felt like salt being rubbed in our wounds.

Shortly after that we had to make the hard decision to put down our dog. Boone was fourteen and while we knew it was coming, the timing was not ideal and it was another hard thing to throw on the pile of hard things. Boone loved Brad and Brad was his master. They had a special bond, and we felt the sting of another loss.

Sprinkle in a few hard parenting days, making phone calls and dealing with all the things surrounding the death of a person and NOT having that person to discuss it all with is just honestly a lot to bear. It’s all just reminders of Brad’s absence. At this point I felt like my wounds were gaping open and the enemy was having a hayday dumping the salt right in.
Constant reminders of how unfair life seemed.

While the enemy was trying to take advantage of our vulnerable position, and whispering all the lies in my ear, I had to cling to my firm foundation. I needed wise councel reminding me of God’s truths. When emotion wants to override logic, the battle is fierce! This is why it is SO important to have a close relationship with God and understand who He is. In the deepest waters, I NEEDED to remind myself daily of these truths, or I was going to drown.

As time continued I felt like I started having mini-breakthroughs. One was watching the movie “Unsung Hero”. It was the movie we needed to watch on the particular night we watched it. (It’s a great movie and I highly recommend it!) I related deeply to the mother and the Lord used that movie to encourage me. This song is our families theme song at the moment–we all love it!

One day while listening to my playlist in the car, this next song popped on and it caught my attention because I didn’t know it…and didn’t put it on my list. I started crying pretty quickly through it because I felt like the Lord was sending me another word of encouragement. He keeps propelling me forward and asking me to trust Him, and keep going.

While sometimes I’m tempted to crawl into the pit and focus on all the “unfair” things that have happened in our life, I have to remind myself what good is that going to do for me or the girls? We’re learning how to keep moving forward with our grief in tow.

Our grief is there. It shows up when I hear Sadie learn a new song on the piano and feel so proud, and then instantly sad as I know Brad would have loved to hear it. Or when Grace got her braces off and she wanted to run and show dad. Or when I see the family directory for our kid’s homeschool co-op and my family is the only one with one parent listed. It’s never going to fully go away, and I’m sure the intensity will come and go like waves. I keep hearing that your grief never leaves, it just changes with time. There will always be reminders that Brad is not here, and we need to learn to coexist with grief and look forward to the good things that God still has planned for us.

So if you’ve actually stuck with me this long and are still reading this, that is a very small snapshot to how the last few weeks have been. We’ve pretty much scratched the surface…but I can’t possibly get out all the layers that come with the journey we are on. I’ve been craving more privacy at this time as well. On my hard days I can’t help but feel like I’m living in a glass house, at my worst phase in life. So there are challenges there. On the other hand the support and love from my family, friends, and community continue to be unbelievable. We’ve been blessed beyond measure. I know without a doubt that I have help when I need it, people are looking out for us, and we are so loved. And I fully trust that the Lord is not done with us, and we DO have things to look forward to.

If you could say an extra prayer for my heart today I would appreciate it.
Today would have been our 14th wedding anniversary.
14 years on the 14th of August.
I don’t know if Golden Anniversaries are a thing, but if they are…today would have been ours.

Called to be strong and courageous,
Lindsey and the girls